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My pops would explain that as a young man in the Dominican Republic, you had to work so hard perfecting yourself, preparing your mask, so that when a young European or American woman came through, she might choose you, as he would put it, might take you home with her, like that was your only way out. Later he made his way to New York City, where he met my mother, who is Colombian. Selected by whom became and remains my dilemma. I talked around it, mumbling about how I was trying to figure out who I was or whatever.

There was nothing wrong with her at all.

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It just kind of happened. Over the years I have dated brown women and black women, but mostly white women. I also got weird vibes from some white people, namely the parents of the women I was dating. And the ones who asked me if I speak Mexican.

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Yes, that is absolutely a thing. Which means that in the eyes of others, the color of the women I date is a big deal. I see people watching me with a stink eye, noses turned up, as if they think black and brown people would somehow be better off if I dumped my white girlfriend. I started reading James Baldwin, Ta-Nehisi Coates and other black and brown authors looking for guidance, a road map, help on what it means to be a brown man in the world.

Like: Yes, our bodies have been colonized. Yes, I am a child of blackness. Yes, the black body has done more for society than it has gotten in return. This is the eHarmony difference. We realize it can be a challenge to meet other singles with whom you share common goals, interests, and backgrounds within your geographical area, and eHarmony can help.

The eHarmony membership pool is a racially, ethnically, and religiously diverse group of quality individuals. No matter what type of person you are looking for, be it a black single in New York or a black single in Chicago , chances are you will find that type of person on eHarmony. Out of all the black singles you may meet online, very few of those individuals are actually compatible with you, and it can be challenging to determine the level of compatibility of a potential partner through traditional online dating methods — browsing profiles and photos.

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Determining compatibility could take years of dating and interaction. We all are. Sofi Papamarko is the founder of Friend of a Friend Matchmaking.

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